When Confidence Wanes

I know why I lack self-confidence, but even in the knowing it doesn’t help shed my pathological need for approval. It doesn’t stop the tyrannical appetite to prove myself capable through taking on more responsibilities or being the professional student who wants to prove her intelligence. Yesterday, my office mate said, “You are so accomplished.” The absurdity of his remark made me laugh.

I struggled academically and emotionally throughout most of my school age years. Although my senior year, when everyone else had senioritis, I pushed myself to be successful by taking on more classes and working a part-time job. Growing up, my world centered on the needs of family, namely my sister. I don’t blame her for my issues. Other factors played a role in the demise of my confidence. Writing a list of all the whiny reasons why would only stir the pot of my daily insecurities, so I will only focus on one. It attached its nasty tentacles to my brain speaking lies about my stupidity while it twisted its long arms around my chest stealing my very breath and giving me anxiety.

I can remember the night so vividly. I stood in the kitchen at my Uncle Jack’s house on Christmas Eve. My mother and my aunt settled against the buffet table talking about their children. Most of the time, Laurie was the topic of their conversation, but I heard my name whispered. It slipped under the carpet and past the door frame to my listening ears. I didn’t do well on my report card and my mother’s tone spoke of her concern. I understood all too well how disappointing I could be when it came to my school work. It’s not as if I didn’t try. I remembered for decades my aunt’s response. “Oh Gail, you know she will never amount to anything more than a housewife.”

The spark ignited the black powder of doubt that followed the trail to my heart, which eventually triggered an explosion of uncertainty about my worth.

Imagine how I felt when I realized my failure at being a housewife, especially with my first marriage. Don’t even get me started on that one.

How does it affect me now? I often think people don’t like me. If someone is having a bad day I take it personally. I never feel like I measure up to the standard of my colleagues. I second guess everything I do. I beat myself up over every wrong decision. I often feel like a hopeless failure.

The question you may be asking is: so what do you do about those moments of doubt?

My solution is a daily ritual for me. If I didn’t follow it, I would be lost in the wasteland of doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Kill Negative Thoughts: I cannot believe the worst. I have to focus on the positive. The only way I can do this is to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When I allow negative thoughts to seep into my heart, it creates chaos. It’s like a sandstorm of damaging and destructive winds lifting the top layer of my insecurities and pushing them into every imaginable part of who I am. I need to think on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy”(Philippians 4:8). Sometimes I lie in bed and focus on each one to ground me in my faith and to lift my anxieties about who I am and what I am capable of doing for others and ultimately God.

Be Confident in the Strength God has Given Me: My favorite verse and one I have stood on for years is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). When we measure ourselves against the world’s standards, it is easy to feel inadequate. When we take our weaknesses and ask God to be our strength for the battle, the job, or the ministry the following verse is our confidence: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). Another prayer I have used for an anchor when I am feeling inadequate comes from James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” I have been totally baffled by questions racing through my brain when it comes to my job and when I simply pray for wisdom, God always manifests his power in an extraordinary way and the answer is right there in front of me.

Slay the Giants of Doubt: Slaying the giants of doubt go hand-in-hand with my other daily rituals, but this is a battle strategy that works EVERY time. I need to have the faith of David and pick up the rock and slay my giant. However, the only way I can do it is by recognizing one key factor in the following verse: “Don’t be afraid or discouraged by this great army [of doubt] because the battle isn’t yours, but God’s” (2 Chronicles 20:15). I have been through some of the toughest fights both on the battlefield of insecurity and sin, but God has shown me the victory. I am not alone in battle. He has made a promise to me in his Word. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Over and over again, God has made that promise to me. He will never leave me when I am struggling, and he will never forsake me even when I am in a crisis of faith.

If you lack confidence, try these strategies for living a life of assurance with God. Please remember: Self-esteem is not the answer, but God-esteem is.

As I wrote this today, I realized how much I needed to hear it again in my own spirit. We preach to ourselves sometimes. Bottom line: Confidence in God does not allow doubt to creep in the back door because faith is the sentry.