Riding the Carousel

Have you ever been tired of living on the merry-go-round? You set your course, but the winds of doubt and fear, the perils of poor choices, or the closed doors of opportunity  keep you going around and around on the carousel of life. It’s frustrating. I know. I have been living it for the past seven years.

Every morning I pick up my phone when I get out of bed and look at my Facebook memories, which is a history of my postings on that date since 2008. This morning I read the post “Recuperating after a beating by two students this morning.” My first step onto the merry-go-round started that day.

I didn’t teach first period, so I often walked into the building as classes started. On Oct. 27, 2008 I walked down the hallway to my classroom, which was situated in the middle of the hall. Just before I reached my door, a group of girls rushed from each end of the hallway. I found myself in the middle of a fight planned on Facebook. I put my hand up and yelled, “Stop.” They didn’t. Fists hit my head. My body hit the lockers with such force, I collapsed to the floor. When I tried to get up on my feet again, the final blow hit my head and my world began its spin out of control.

Once the merry-go-round took its first turn, fear set in. Every time I walked the halls of Greece Athena high school, my heart flew into a rage and beat furiously like it wanted to escape my reality. Teachers were required to stand in the hallway between classes. I could not do it. I stood just inside my door, ready to slam it shut if I saw any evidence of danger. Fear engulfed me. It wouldn’t let me breathe. It knew no boundaries. I had headaches, stomach aches, and anxiety attacks. I was a mess. My course load had been five sections of AP Language and Composition. I had the good kids. When they told me I would be teaching three sections of AP, one section of English 11, and one section of a co-taught class with a special education teacher, my fear spiraled out of control. What if I ended up with the type of students who beat me up? Fear fought with my rational mind and won. I began to doubt my ability to be an effective teacher for Greece.

I put in my resignation shortly before the school year ended. Was it a poor choice? Possibly. I started teaching more classes at MCC and loved it. I felt I had made a good decision, and the adjunct coordinators who observed my classes were impressed by my teaching strategies. When I made the decision to apply full-time, I didn’t have enough hours in my discipline, so I applied to Goddard College for a M.F.A in Creative Nonfiction. The day I received my personal phone call from Elena Georgiou to say I was accepted made me believe my ride on the carousel finally stopped. Not quite!

Shortly before I graduated, I applied for the full-time position at MCC. I made it through the first round of interviews, which was a phone interview. I found out I was the only adjunct to make it through the first round. The next step was the face-to-face interview where I had to teach a 30-minute class on paraphrasing. The faculty acted like third graders and I had to show my class management style. I found myself stepping back on to the merry-go-round when I found out I was the runner-up for the job. They hired a guy from the University of Buffalo who had just obtained his PhD.

For the past few years I have been riding the merry-go-round wondering when it will end. I never know each semester if I will have classes. Now I am facing a new quandary, an offer from a private high school in the wake of receiving news that there may not be any classes for adjuncts in the spring semester. How do I get off this merry-go-round?

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). When I feel the carousel spinning out of control, I remember God has my back. I also remember the word he gave me several years ago. He promised me he would simplify my life, but there were steps I needed to take. Perhaps my constant spinning is bringing me to the simplified place God promised. I am a highly driven person. I rarely relax. I laugh when I see my son pace the floors. He rarely sits still for more than five minutes. I guess the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. I may put myself on the merry-go-round at times because I am so driven, but God is still going to bring me to the place he wants me to be, where he can use me most.

When it comes to my fears, I will remember: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10). God will give me the wisdom to make the right decisions, and He will strengthen me in those moments when I am overwhelmed by the spinning carousel. There are 33 verses in the Bible about not fearing, so why should I fear. Pastor Dayton Reynolds used to say, "If you worry you are going to die. If you don't worry, you are going to die. So why worry?" He had a point. Worrying about everything is not going to change anything.
When it comes to my choices, I will remember: "And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left" (Isaiah 30:21). It is a blessing to know I have a spiritual GPS in the form of the Holy Spirit guiding me very step of the way. I am a person who gets easily lost. Several years ago, I went to a retreat at Elim Bible Institute. I made a wrong turn on the way home and ended up on a desolate road to nowhere. After that night, my son bought me a GPS. I rely on it now to help me navigate to unfamiliar territory. The Holy Spirit is my guide in spiritual and practical matters. I would lose my way if I didn't know which path to take, or if I didn't listen to His still small voice telling me which way to go.  
When it comes to closed doors of opportunity, I will remember: "Continue to ask, and God will give to you. Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will open for you (Matthew 7:7-8). Sometimes God closes the door, and hindsight always shows me why. When my husband and I submitted a full-price offer for a house in Vermont in 1998, it was rejected. We couldn't understand why. We found a home a month later we loved dearly. Three months after we moved into the house, I was diagnosed with borderline ovarian cancer. If we purchased the home that depended on both of our incomes, we would have sank into the mire of debt. God was protecting us. I have a friend who stands by the old cliché: "When God closes a door, he opens a window." In some cases this may be true, but I stand by the notion that God doesn't always give us everything we want; but he does give us everything we need. So when I get depressed by closed doors, I have to remind myself that I need to keep approaching the throne of grace and asking God to lead me, to guide me, and to direct me in the paths he wants me to go.
I am at the place right now. I don't know what next semester will bring, but I know I am ready to get off the merry-go-round. I am ready to walk the path God has ordained for me. I need to trust and, most of all, I need to obey.

            If you feel like your life is spinning out of control, take it from someone who has been there, God has a plan for you. Do not fear. Let God take your hand as he leads you in the paths of righteousness. He's got your back!

The Power of Forgiveness

In March of 2011, I experienced something I’ve never thought possible, especially since I tend to have the gift of mercy. A venomous hatred seethed from my heart toward someone who hurt my family in the worst possible way. I hate to admit this, but if she were standing in front of me at the time, I would probably be spending life in prison. I know. It sounds horrible. How could a Christian woman say such horrific things?

I referred to her as the master manipulator and destroyer. I have never felt such animosity toward a person as I did that fateful night. For months, I carried the weight of my malice toward her in every part of my body. I fed on my rancor. I let it fester to the point of nearly destroying my soul. I hated her.

God has a way of dealing with us when we find ourselves in the abyss of our own sin, and he did. God never dealt with me harshly; in fact, it was more of a gentle, loving reminder of what His son did for me on the cross. When I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit to do something about it, a peace settled over my spirit. Best of all, a healing began to take place. The wounds no longer festered. It didn’t hurt anymore. Yes. Unforgiveness causes great pain in our physical bodies.  

I knew my first responsibility was asking God’s forgiveness for judging her and, most of all, for harboring hatred in my soul. Next, I had to forgive her, not just in my heart. I had to say the words. Since our relationship was broken because of what she did and my reaction to it, the only way I could do it was via a text message. I knew she would never answer my phone call. She never responded back, but I still felt free.

In the years since, I have not spoken to her and when we see each other at any of my grandchildren’s school events, I still feel a sense of peace even though she never acknowledges me. I have found myself praying for her over the past year because I know many of the reasons she hurt our family was due to the cycle of addiction. Considering her actions hurt our family immensely, this may seem crazy, but I pray for restoration with all of us.

Bottom line: Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. We have to be willing to follow the Word of God considering the matter.

Ephesians 4:22 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Compassion is easier than strife. It takes more energy to hold a grudge than to let go and let God do the rest. Most of all, if God can forgive us for our sins, we need to be Christ-like and forgive just as freely.

Some of you may have been hurt over and over again by the same person. You may be asking how often do I need to forgive this person when they are clearly not going to change? Jesus said, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” I am not very good at math, but I can tell you it is quite a few times. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean you become a door mat or punching bag. It just means you let go of the damaging emotions. Let God build the hedge of protection, so you don’t get hurt again and again.

If at all possible, make amends. If you think it is not possible, remember this: “For nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). I know this to be true because of my relationship with my ex-husband. We hurt each other tremendously and, if I were to be honest, I hurt him more than he did me. Twelve years after our divorce, he and his wife came to visit our shared daughter while we were living in Vermont. We excused ourselves and went and sat in the dining room. Something extraordinary happened. We both forgave each other for the hurt we caused in our marriage. We are now friends. I have gone to his Christian Motorcycle Association dinner with my daughter and our granddaughters. He came to visit me in Vermont when I was going through my cancer. He has been to my house for dinners and parties with mutual friends. Making amends was a blessing for our daughter, grandchildren, and us.

The battle of unforgiveness isn’t reserved for others; sometimes we need to forgive ourselves. I have done deplorable things to the people I love. I was a runner a majority of my life. I don’t mean running in a marathon, or a local sprint triathlon. I ran to protect myself from anyone I loved, anyone who loved me, or anyone I was supposed to love. In my journeys, I hurt those people, not just a little; I hurt them immeasurably. When I finally put myself at the foot of the cross and asked forgiveness of God, I knew with all of my heart he had forgiven me. But I couldn’t forgive myself. For years I beat myself up over the stupidity of my actions. If I were to be honest, I still have my moments. What I have come to learn is the truth and magnitude of 2 Corinthians 5:17. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” If the sins of the past are gone, then why do I hold onto them as if they still belong to me? Robin Sharma says, “Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.”  Holding on to the past does make us a prisoner; letting go and seeing how God can make beauty from ashes is life changing. Become the willing vessel, forgive yourself, and let God be the architect of your future.  

Do you have someone you need to forgive? I implore you to do it. When you forgive, you will be set free. You will also set free the person you are forgiving. God will bless your obedience to forgive as he has forgiven you. If you need to forgive yourself, just do it! You’ve got this! 

When Confidence Wanes

I know why I lack self-confidence, but even in the knowing it doesn’t help shed my pathological need for approval. It doesn’t stop the tyrannical appetite to prove myself capable through taking on more responsibilities or being the professional student who wants to prove her intelligence. Yesterday, my office mate said, “You are so accomplished.” The absurdity of his remark made me laugh.

I struggled academically and emotionally throughout most of my school age years. Although my senior year, when everyone else had senioritis, I pushed myself to be successful by taking on more classes and working a part-time job. Growing up, my world centered on the needs of family, namely my sister. I don’t blame her for my issues. Other factors played a role in the demise of my confidence. Writing a list of all the whiny reasons why would only stir the pot of my daily insecurities, so I will only focus on one. It attached its nasty tentacles to my brain speaking lies about my stupidity while it twisted its long arms around my chest stealing my very breath and giving me anxiety.

I can remember the night so vividly. I stood in the kitchen at my Uncle Jack’s house on Christmas Eve. My mother and my aunt settled against the buffet table talking about their children. Most of the time, Laurie was the topic of their conversation, but I heard my name whispered. It slipped under the carpet and past the door frame to my listening ears. I didn’t do well on my report card and my mother’s tone spoke of her concern. I understood all too well how disappointing I could be when it came to my school work. It’s not as if I didn’t try. I remembered for decades my aunt’s response. “Oh Gail, you know she will never amount to anything more than a housewife.”

The spark ignited the black powder of doubt that followed the trail to my heart, which eventually triggered an explosion of uncertainty about my worth.

Imagine how I felt when I realized my failure at being a housewife, especially with my first marriage. Don’t even get me started on that one.

How does it affect me now? I often think people don’t like me. If someone is having a bad day I take it personally. I never feel like I measure up to the standard of my colleagues. I second guess everything I do. I beat myself up over every wrong decision. I often feel like a hopeless failure.

The question you may be asking is: so what do you do about those moments of doubt?

My solution is a daily ritual for me. If I didn’t follow it, I would be lost in the wasteland of doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Kill Negative Thoughts: I cannot believe the worst. I have to focus on the positive. The only way I can do this is to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When I allow negative thoughts to seep into my heart, it creates chaos. It’s like a sandstorm of damaging and destructive winds lifting the top layer of my insecurities and pushing them into every imaginable part of who I am. I need to think on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy”(Philippians 4:8). Sometimes I lie in bed and focus on each one to ground me in my faith and to lift my anxieties about who I am and what I am capable of doing for others and ultimately God.

Be Confident in the Strength God has Given Me: My favorite verse and one I have stood on for years is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). When we measure ourselves against the world’s standards, it is easy to feel inadequate. When we take our weaknesses and ask God to be our strength for the battle, the job, or the ministry the following verse is our confidence: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). Another prayer I have used for an anchor when I am feeling inadequate comes from James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” I have been totally baffled by questions racing through my brain when it comes to my job and when I simply pray for wisdom, God always manifests his power in an extraordinary way and the answer is right there in front of me.

Slay the Giants of Doubt: Slaying the giants of doubt go hand-in-hand with my other daily rituals, but this is a battle strategy that works EVERY time. I need to have the faith of David and pick up the rock and slay my giant. However, the only way I can do it is by recognizing one key factor in the following verse: “Don’t be afraid or discouraged by this great army [of doubt] because the battle isn’t yours, but God’s” (2 Chronicles 20:15). I have been through some of the toughest fights both on the battlefield of insecurity and sin, but God has shown me the victory. I am not alone in battle. He has made a promise to me in his Word. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Over and over again, God has made that promise to me. He will never leave me when I am struggling, and he will never forsake me even when I am in a crisis of faith.

If you lack confidence, try these strategies for living a life of assurance with God. Please remember: Self-esteem is not the answer, but God-esteem is.

As I wrote this today, I realized how much I needed to hear it again in my own spirit. We preach to ourselves sometimes. Bottom line: Confidence in God does not allow doubt to creep in the back door because faith is the sentry.

My desire for a divine encounter supersedes any earthly wish. I felt the tangible presence of God when I went into anaphylactic shock, but I want an experience that can’t be explained away as the alteration of brain chemistry due to a lack of oxygen. I guess you could say I want a face-to-face encounter with God.

But when God places someone in your path at just the right time, a time when you need them most, it is a reflection of the divine. Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes it is part of God’s perfect plan, but it is always the mirror image of the heavenly.

When I received the call to tutor Marc, I thought it would be extra money in my pocket. However, what I didn’t expect was the extraordinary impact this young man would have on me both emotionally and spiritually. It has been life changing.

Marc is a quadriplegic. Forceps fractured his spinal cord at C1 and C2.  He is on a respirator, but he can talk. He has intravenous nutrition, but he occasionally indulges in soft foods for the simple pleasure of experiencing the sensation of flavor. He has specialized in-home care by skilled nurses most of the day and his family takes over at 4:00 p.m. Marc has his own man cave in the back of his parent’s home. It is a serene setting surrounded by green foliage and apple trees. Perched on a shelf that circles his room just a foot below the ceiling is his trains and fire station memorabilia. Marc is an honorary fireman, and he listens to a scanner during his free time. He is also an excellent artist. Since he is unable to use his hands, he places the brush in his mouth and creates unbelievable portraits of flowers (one of his portraits is above this blog entry)

I know life isn’t easy for Marc. Although he is a quadriplegic, he still feels neuropathic and musculoskeletal pain. The slow drip of medications often move their way through his body as he learns to critically analyze the assigned articles for ENG 101.  Even with all of his challenges, he works exceptionally hard in school. He uses a voice activated computer software program called Dragon Naturally Speaking, which allows him to do his work independently. He also has dreams and goals just like anyone; his are just limited.

I have gone to tutor Marc when I am worried, tired, or even upset. When I leave his house I am a different person. His laughter lifts my spirits. His perseverance gives me strength. His work ethic makes me strive harder to perfect my own craft. He inspires me.

Life has certainly thrown me some curve balls. I grew up with a sibling who has cerebral palsy, so I didn’t have the typical childhood. I married young and divorced when most people are getting around to getting married. I had two miscarriages at a time when I desperately wanted a baby. I had stage 3 borderline ovarian cancer. My son Brandon nearly died from a burst appendix and perforated bowel, and a year later he had viral meningitis. My youngest, Geoffrey, was an OxyContin addict and I watched him suffer through withdrawal. One year later, the rubber band snapped in my brain the night our family became unraveled because of the vindictiveness of an ex-daughter-in-law. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself when you are going through the dark night of the soul.

A moment of clarity about the dark shadows of my life came the night I received an email message from Marc when he thought he may need to cancel our tutoring session for a doctor’s appointment due to health issues. I told him my philosophy was to “count it all joy.” He responded, “God never gives me more than I can handle, so it is something I can count on.” He admitted he sometimes struggles with it, but I know the truth of it has settled deep into his spirit. He is an overcomer.

If he can rely on this sacred truth, I must follow in his footsteps. Trials never ask our permission to come. Marc didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a choice in some of my situations. But the fact remains, we are not perfect. We are broken. We are a mess at times. When we face the trials, like Marc has done, we may even feel like we are sinking into the abyss of our despairing moments, our health issues, or our painful memories; but we will rise out of the ashes. We will find our strength. I have learned that trials change us, most of the time for the better. But we have to let God do the work in the midst of our adversity.

So I am thankful for Marc being placed in my life. He is my encounter with the divine because of his extraordinary outlook on life and his inspiring example of how to live each day with the help of an awesome God.