A Heart of Thankfulness

Do you have weeds in your garden? I know I do. I live near the Genesee River where the ground is moist, the perfect condition for Stinging Nettle. I am not sure if they choke the life out of my flowers, but I do know from experience that removing them is sometimes hazardous. Similar to hypodermic needles, Stinging Nettle has fine hairs on their leaves and stems. When they touch the skin, they release chemicals like acid, which, in most cases, causes a burning and itching rash lasting for days.

Metaphorically speaking I often have weeds in my life that choke the good things from growing and removing them is often painful. Yesterday, a visiting pastor from Elim Bible Institute, told us about how the weeds come into being and, believe me, it made sense. The devil discreetly whispers questions to us; and when he does, the seed is planted if we think about what he says, mull it over for a while, and eventually think it is true. It takes root in our soul, and it chokes out the one thing we need in our lives: thankfulness to God for his mercy, his love, his provisions, and his salvation. One of the weeds the pastor mentioned was worrying. This is the seed of the stinging nettle, which often takes root in my life.

I am a worrywart, born and raised to be one. My grandmother worried herself to a weak heart, and my mother has had cause to worry most of her life and has done it well. My heart is often wracked with worry. I take it to God in prayer. However, when my prayers seem to go unanswered, I hear the whispers of the devil saying, “He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t care about your needs. Why should you bother praying when your prayers are really just hitting the ceiling?” When I begin to think God isn’t listening to me, the whispered lies of the devil plants seeds of doubt and they begin to take root.

The pastor mentioned the story of Jesus on the boat with his disciples, and when a gale force wind caused the waves to fiercely crash against the vessel, the disciples freaked out while Jesus slept on a cushion. It isn’t much different from my own life. When life’s struggles become like crashing waves against the security of my boat, my world, the seeds of doubt are often planted. I wonder if God is somewhere else, asleep, not listening to my needs. I question why he isn’t doing anything. My children are my greatest worry, and I often question why they are still going through so many struggles?

I Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all of your cares on Him because He cares for you.” When I allow the devil to whisper in my ear, “God, doesn’t care about you. Nothing is happening,” I begin planting the seeds of doubt. I cannot question his care in the midst of my storm. I have to have confidence in the one TRUE fact: HE CARES FOR ME. There have been times when I have believed with all my heart that he cares, and I have stepped out of the boat in faith knowing he would answer my prayers, but when the devil whispered in my ear, the seed of doubt planted; and I began to sink, sink, and sink further into my despair and worry.

Yesterday, I learned a valuable tool for pulling the weeds of doubt from my life. BE THANKFUL!!!! It sounds easy doesn’t it? It really isn’t because sometimes the Stinging Nettle brushes against our skin releasing its poison. BUT we must persevere. We must put on the gloves of the Holy Spirit, and pull those weeds of worry and doubt from our life. Something remarkable happens too. The darkness breaks, and God illuminates His truth to all the seeds the devil has planted making you needlessly worry.  The pastor said yesterday how thankfulness is like an antibiotic. I thought about what he said and it makes sense. Thankfulness heals the Stinging Nettle of doubt and worry in my life.

After the sermon yesterday, I started thanking God for the positive in each of the situations I have been worried about when it comes to my children. I felt a release. By thanking God, I began the process of cleaning out my spiritual garden. I don’t know about you, but I want the garden of my life to be beautiful. I don’t want Stinging Nettles being the only plant people see in my garden. I don’t want to make it so no one wants to come near me for fear of being stung by the nettles of my worry and doubt. I want my thankfulness to God for his mercy, his love, and his salvation to be what others see.

So be thankful today. Lift your eyes and give thanks to God in the midst of your storms. Meditate on this verse today:

“It is good to give thanks to the Lord. And to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning and your faithfulness by night” (Psalm 92: 1-2).

I wake up at 5:00 A.M. to write before I head off to teach at MCC. The morning I wrote this blog, I didn’t have time to post it, and it didn’t matter because I like it to sit and marinate before I do. Later that evening and the following morning, I understood the magnitude of why thankfulness is important to our relationship with God and our mental wellbeing. A colleague sent me a message putting me into a meltdown of fear, anxiety, and worry. They may seem like synonyms for the same state of being, but they are very different in my life. My fear is the heart palpitating feeling of dread; my anxiety stems from my generalized anxiety disorder – it hits my mind like a wave of panic and I feel like I am losing it;  my worry is the nail-biting, pace the floor, I don’t know what I should do feeling. The devil whispered in my ear that night. I listened. I threw myself into an absolute tizzy, lasting for hours. I went to bed spent and basically had thrown in the towel. I believed I didn’t hear the voice of God in my recent decisions. I had missed the mark, screwed up, and made a monumental mistake. One whisper planted the seed of doubt and fear in my life. One whisper may have thrown my life off course. One whisper.

I prayed I would have clarity as I drifted off to what I thought would be a fitful sleep. I swear I slept cradled in the arms of God that night. In the morning, when my feet hit the floor, I began to thank God. I thanked him for giving me the gift of teaching. I thanked him for the choices I had made and how I knew they would stretch me beyond my imagination. I thanked God His mercies are new every morning. Thanking God set me free from all my doubts and worries. Thanking God helped me to see the whispered lies of the enemy and, quite honestly, how he built his deception to be more of an issue than it really was because he knew if I listened the Stinging Nettle would grow in my garden and choke out the significant opportunities he has instore for me, so I am thankful today for the lessons I learned this week. I am thankful I had an opportunity to put them into practice.

If the devil whispers in your ear and plants seeds of doubt and worry, or worse yet, Stinging Nettle, think of the good within the situation. Ask God to give you new eyes. Even before He shows you the truth, begin to thank Him. I promise you it will make a monumental difference both spiritually and emotionally. 

Still My Soul Be Still

In the wake of the ISIS attacks in Paris on Friday and the double-suicide bombing in Lebanon, I need to tell my soul to be still. The winds of change are raging in a world where there is no love of God, no moral compass, and no regard for humanity. Believing God is at my side is what I cling to; otherwise, I would fear the coming persecution.

The chorus: “God You are my God, and I will trust in you and not be shaken” is hard for me. I will not lie. I am shaken to the core of my being, my soul. My husband and I are supposed to fly to Puerto Rico in February to take a cruise through the Caribbean. I don’t want to go. My thoughts race to the Russian plane brought down by ISIS, and I question whether it is safe to fly. A cruise ship is manned by people from many nations.  Do I trust they won’t bring a bomb on the ship? Yes, paranoia has set in. My daughter tells me when I refuse to do what I love out of fear, ISIS wins. That’s why I have to make the declaration: “Lord of peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in YOU alone.”

Psalm 62:5 says, “My soul waits in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.” Silence is the hard part. Sometimes when the world rages against us, in our frenzy me make it an “Act of War.” Silence is a posture. It says, “I trust in you God to be my salvation, to be my defender, and to be my ONLY hope.” Silence is when we should be on our knees, humbly asking God for mercy.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth.” We have to take confidence in this truth. I admit it is hard when we hear of Christians being persecuted and beheaded by ISIS. God knew what we would face in the latter days. He provided a deep truth to us in this scripture. ”BE STILL and KNOW THAT I AM GOD.” Remember how I said it was a posture? II Chronicles 20:17 says, “You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf…” So the battle is not ours. It is God’s. We just need to be still, stand firm, and hold our position. We will see the salvation of God. He will be exalted in the nations.

Our hope should be in God because the day is dimming. But the light of God shines brighter than ever. The light is in us. We need to extend it to those who are fearful. Thousands of refugees are fleeing the turmoil in their countries. After what just happened in Paris, they, too, will face persecution. Let’s not fall prey to fear. What would Jesus do? He would want us to love them, embrace them, and protect them. I understand your fear. My mind says, “Close the borders. Don’t let them in. They are dangerous.” But my heart says, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed” (Luke 4:18).


Today, tell your soul to be still. Take a posture of silence. See God work in the midst of chaos. BE STILL and KNOW HE IS GOD!!!!

Chasing Aggressive Love

The evidence of man’s inhumanity to man grieves my heart, my soul, and my mind. David Andreatta, a columnist with the Democrat & Chronicle, quoted Edward Watson’s statement to Mayor Lovely Warren after the tragedy at the Boys and Girls Club on Genesee Street. He stated,” Blacks are murdering blacks every 32 hours.” Gun violence in our city is out of control. I can’t even turn on the news without hearing about shootings in the City of Rochester. Does someone have to open fire every night?

Don’t even get me started on Russian planes exploding in the sky because of ISIS bombs or Christians crucified and beheaded in Middle Eastern countries. Yesterday, four students were stabbed at the University of California. Not long ago, gun violence hit a community college in Oregon. I watched a music video last night because the title caught my attention. It was “Take Me to Church” by Hozier. The longer I watched, the sicker my heart became. No. I wanted to throw up. By the time the video was finished, I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, mainly because I knew it was based on a harsh reality. Gay men in Russia are killed by men dressed in hoodies very similar to the Ku Klux Klan in their white robes who killed black men out of their hatred. Where is the humanity?

Movie theatres, college campuses, elementary schools, malls, the Twin Towers – What is next?

Now I must speak from the heart. On Halloween night, my granddaughter attended a house party in Henrietta; fortunately, she now realizes it was not the place to be. A fight ensued, and my granddaughter was thrown against the wall when she tried to help her friend. The police broke up the party after a 911 call came in that shots were fired on the premises. My heart sank. No, my knees hit the floor. When it hits a little closer to home, you take notice.

I recently had a student in my ENG 101 class who stated that he didn’t care about the gun violence in the city because it didn’t affect him. He lived in the suburbs. I wondered if he thought the suburbs had a moat and fortified walls to protect him. I looked at him and said, “No one is immune.” Unfortunately, man’s inhumanity to man is growing more violent every day.  There are so many reasons for gun violence; in fact, there are too many to even begin to mention on this blog post. No one is immune to the spiritual condition of the fallen man.

What I have come to understand is humanity’s last breath is one of hatred versus love. I know this post sounds like it came from Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy, but hopefully Encouraging Eva will take you on a journey toward making the difference by creating a proposal toward a climate of change.

My prayer this morning was “Father, teach me to love as you have loved. Let my fear and hatred melt away. Give me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, but show me the ways I can extend my love. Teach me Lord for my ways are not your ways.” He answered me immediately in His Word. Today, my devotions came from Philippians 1. I didn’t look for the answer. Philippians just happened to be the next chapter in my morning devotions.

Philippians 1:9 says, “And this I pray, that your LOVE may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment.” I need to aggressively chase after the Love of God, but I also need to aggressively love others. It doesn’t mean I need to be a Bible Thumper and forcefully shove the gospel down people’s throats. No, I need to demonstrate my love through action.

Yesterday, I taught visual rhetoric. One slide on the Power Point presentation showed a little boy with a hand around his throat and tears running down his face. It wasn’t necessarily depicting physical abuse but verbal abuse. On the arm and hand were hurtful words for any child to hear, words like “moron,” “idiot,” and “fool.” After class, a young man came up to me and told me how difficult it was to sit through the presentation, especially when he saw that picture. He shared with me about the verbal abuse he endured from his father, and I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. I gave him a hug. I gave him some counsel about what he could do. My students know I am a Christian. I openly admit it. I am not ashamed to tell them I will pray for them. It is the very reason they come to me when they have a problem.

If God can lavish his love on us, we should be willing to lavish HIS love on those we come in contact with. Who is in your circle of influence? Do you show God’s love by walking a mile in their shoes? Do you empathize with them when they are going through a hard time? Do you offer to pray for them?

I Thessalonians 3:12 says, “…and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people…”

I cannot pick and choose who I am going to love. I need to love the person who shoved my granddaughter into a wall. I need to love the people who have hurt me with their words and actions. I need to love the unlovable. I believe we are coming into a horrific time in our world. Christians may need to stand up to the atrocities against the church. In standing, we will be marked. Do I love the persecutor? Yes. It is my calling. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). Love is not an option. It is a command.

I challenge you today to aggressively chase the love of Go, which is already readily available to you. Next, aggressively love not only the people of God within your church circles, but love the people outside the body of Christ. Love them into the kingdom. Love aggressively!

Riding the Carousel

Have you ever been tired of living on the merry-go-round? You set your course, but the winds of doubt and fear, the perils of poor choices, or the closed doors of opportunity  keep you going around and around on the carousel of life. It’s frustrating. I know. I have been living it for the past seven years.

Every morning I pick up my phone when I get out of bed and look at my Facebook memories, which is a history of my postings on that date since 2008. This morning I read the post “Recuperating after a beating by two students this morning.” My first step onto the merry-go-round started that day.

I didn’t teach first period, so I often walked into the building as classes started. On Oct. 27, 2008 I walked down the hallway to my classroom, which was situated in the middle of the hall. Just before I reached my door, a group of girls rushed from each end of the hallway. I found myself in the middle of a fight planned on Facebook. I put my hand up and yelled, “Stop.” They didn’t. Fists hit my head. My body hit the lockers with such force, I collapsed to the floor. When I tried to get up on my feet again, the final blow hit my head and my world began its spin out of control.

Once the merry-go-round took its first turn, fear set in. Every time I walked the halls of Greece Athena high school, my heart flew into a rage and beat furiously like it wanted to escape my reality. Teachers were required to stand in the hallway between classes. I could not do it. I stood just inside my door, ready to slam it shut if I saw any evidence of danger. Fear engulfed me. It wouldn’t let me breathe. It knew no boundaries. I had headaches, stomach aches, and anxiety attacks. I was a mess. My course load had been five sections of AP Language and Composition. I had the good kids. When they told me I would be teaching three sections of AP, one section of English 11, and one section of a co-taught class with a special education teacher, my fear spiraled out of control. What if I ended up with the type of students who beat me up? Fear fought with my rational mind and won. I began to doubt my ability to be an effective teacher for Greece.

I put in my resignation shortly before the school year ended. Was it a poor choice? Possibly. I started teaching more classes at MCC and loved it. I felt I had made a good decision, and the adjunct coordinators who observed my classes were impressed by my teaching strategies. When I made the decision to apply full-time, I didn’t have enough hours in my discipline, so I applied to Goddard College for a M.F.A in Creative Nonfiction. The day I received my personal phone call from Elena Georgiou to say I was accepted made me believe my ride on the carousel finally stopped. Not quite!

Shortly before I graduated, I applied for the full-time position at MCC. I made it through the first round of interviews, which was a phone interview. I found out I was the only adjunct to make it through the first round. The next step was the face-to-face interview where I had to teach a 30-minute class on paraphrasing. The faculty acted like third graders and I had to show my class management style. I found myself stepping back on to the merry-go-round when I found out I was the runner-up for the job. They hired a guy from the University of Buffalo who had just obtained his PhD.

For the past few years I have been riding the merry-go-round wondering when it will end. I never know each semester if I will have classes. Now I am facing a new quandary, an offer from a private high school in the wake of receiving news that there may not be any classes for adjuncts in the spring semester. How do I get off this merry-go-round?

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). When I feel the carousel spinning out of control, I remember God has my back. I also remember the word he gave me several years ago. He promised me he would simplify my life, but there were steps I needed to take. Perhaps my constant spinning is bringing me to the simplified place God promised. I am a highly driven person. I rarely relax. I laugh when I see my son pace the floors. He rarely sits still for more than five minutes. I guess the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. I may put myself on the merry-go-round at times because I am so driven, but God is still going to bring me to the place he wants me to be, where he can use me most.

When it comes to my fears, I will remember: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10). God will give me the wisdom to make the right decisions, and He will strengthen me in those moments when I am overwhelmed by the spinning carousel. There are 33 verses in the Bible about not fearing, so why should I fear. Pastor Dayton Reynolds used to say, "If you worry you are going to die. If you don't worry, you are going to die. So why worry?" He had a point. Worrying about everything is not going to change anything.
When it comes to my choices, I will remember: "And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left" (Isaiah 30:21). It is a blessing to know I have a spiritual GPS in the form of the Holy Spirit guiding me very step of the way. I am a person who gets easily lost. Several years ago, I went to a retreat at Elim Bible Institute. I made a wrong turn on the way home and ended up on a desolate road to nowhere. After that night, my son bought me a GPS. I rely on it now to help me navigate to unfamiliar territory. The Holy Spirit is my guide in spiritual and practical matters. I would lose my way if I didn't know which path to take, or if I didn't listen to His still small voice telling me which way to go.  
When it comes to closed doors of opportunity, I will remember: "Continue to ask, and God will give to you. Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will open for you (Matthew 7:7-8). Sometimes God closes the door, and hindsight always shows me why. When my husband and I submitted a full-price offer for a house in Vermont in 1998, it was rejected. We couldn't understand why. We found a home a month later we loved dearly. Three months after we moved into the house, I was diagnosed with borderline ovarian cancer. If we purchased the home that depended on both of our incomes, we would have sank into the mire of debt. God was protecting us. I have a friend who stands by the old cliché: "When God closes a door, he opens a window." In some cases this may be true, but I stand by the notion that God doesn't always give us everything we want; but he does give us everything we need. So when I get depressed by closed doors, I have to remind myself that I need to keep approaching the throne of grace and asking God to lead me, to guide me, and to direct me in the paths he wants me to go.
I am at the place right now. I don't know what next semester will bring, but I know I am ready to get off the merry-go-round. I am ready to walk the path God has ordained for me. I need to trust and, most of all, I need to obey.

            If you feel like your life is spinning out of control, take it from someone who has been there, God has a plan for you. Do not fear. Let God take your hand as he leads you in the paths of righteousness. He's got your back!

The Power of Forgiveness

In March of 2011, I experienced something I’ve never thought possible, especially since I tend to have the gift of mercy. A venomous hatred seethed from my heart toward someone who hurt my family in the worst possible way. I hate to admit this, but if she were standing in front of me at the time, I would probably be spending life in prison. I know. It sounds horrible. How could a Christian woman say such horrific things?

I referred to her as the master manipulator and destroyer. I have never felt such animosity toward a person as I did that fateful night. For months, I carried the weight of my malice toward her in every part of my body. I fed on my rancor. I let it fester to the point of nearly destroying my soul. I hated her.

God has a way of dealing with us when we find ourselves in the abyss of our own sin, and he did. God never dealt with me harshly; in fact, it was more of a gentle, loving reminder of what His son did for me on the cross. When I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit to do something about it, a peace settled over my spirit. Best of all, a healing began to take place. The wounds no longer festered. It didn’t hurt anymore. Yes. Unforgiveness causes great pain in our physical bodies.  

I knew my first responsibility was asking God’s forgiveness for judging her and, most of all, for harboring hatred in my soul. Next, I had to forgive her, not just in my heart. I had to say the words. Since our relationship was broken because of what she did and my reaction to it, the only way I could do it was via a text message. I knew she would never answer my phone call. She never responded back, but I still felt free.

In the years since, I have not spoken to her and when we see each other at any of my grandchildren’s school events, I still feel a sense of peace even though she never acknowledges me. I have found myself praying for her over the past year because I know many of the reasons she hurt our family was due to the cycle of addiction. Considering her actions hurt our family immensely, this may seem crazy, but I pray for restoration with all of us.

Bottom line: Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. We have to be willing to follow the Word of God considering the matter.

Ephesians 4:22 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Compassion is easier than strife. It takes more energy to hold a grudge than to let go and let God do the rest. Most of all, if God can forgive us for our sins, we need to be Christ-like and forgive just as freely.

Some of you may have been hurt over and over again by the same person. You may be asking how often do I need to forgive this person when they are clearly not going to change? Jesus said, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” I am not very good at math, but I can tell you it is quite a few times. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean you become a door mat or punching bag. It just means you let go of the damaging emotions. Let God build the hedge of protection, so you don’t get hurt again and again.

If at all possible, make amends. If you think it is not possible, remember this: “For nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). I know this to be true because of my relationship with my ex-husband. We hurt each other tremendously and, if I were to be honest, I hurt him more than he did me. Twelve years after our divorce, he and his wife came to visit our shared daughter while we were living in Vermont. We excused ourselves and went and sat in the dining room. Something extraordinary happened. We both forgave each other for the hurt we caused in our marriage. We are now friends. I have gone to his Christian Motorcycle Association dinner with my daughter and our granddaughters. He came to visit me in Vermont when I was going through my cancer. He has been to my house for dinners and parties with mutual friends. Making amends was a blessing for our daughter, grandchildren, and us.

The battle of unforgiveness isn’t reserved for others; sometimes we need to forgive ourselves. I have done deplorable things to the people I love. I was a runner a majority of my life. I don’t mean running in a marathon, or a local sprint triathlon. I ran to protect myself from anyone I loved, anyone who loved me, or anyone I was supposed to love. In my journeys, I hurt those people, not just a little; I hurt them immeasurably. When I finally put myself at the foot of the cross and asked forgiveness of God, I knew with all of my heart he had forgiven me. But I couldn’t forgive myself. For years I beat myself up over the stupidity of my actions. If I were to be honest, I still have my moments. What I have come to learn is the truth and magnitude of 2 Corinthians 5:17. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” If the sins of the past are gone, then why do I hold onto them as if they still belong to me? Robin Sharma says, “Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.”  Holding on to the past does make us a prisoner; letting go and seeing how God can make beauty from ashes is life changing. Become the willing vessel, forgive yourself, and let God be the architect of your future.  

Do you have someone you need to forgive? I implore you to do it. When you forgive, you will be set free. You will also set free the person you are forgiving. God will bless your obedience to forgive as he has forgiven you. If you need to forgive yourself, just do it! You’ve got this! 

When Confidence Wanes

I know why I lack self-confidence, but even in the knowing it doesn’t help shed my pathological need for approval. It doesn’t stop the tyrannical appetite to prove myself capable through taking on more responsibilities or being the professional student who wants to prove her intelligence. Yesterday, my office mate said, “You are so accomplished.” The absurdity of his remark made me laugh.

I struggled academically and emotionally throughout most of my school age years. Although my senior year, when everyone else had senioritis, I pushed myself to be successful by taking on more classes and working a part-time job. Growing up, my world centered on the needs of family, namely my sister. I don’t blame her for my issues. Other factors played a role in the demise of my confidence. Writing a list of all the whiny reasons why would only stir the pot of my daily insecurities, so I will only focus on one. It attached its nasty tentacles to my brain speaking lies about my stupidity while it twisted its long arms around my chest stealing my very breath and giving me anxiety.

I can remember the night so vividly. I stood in the kitchen at my Uncle Jack’s house on Christmas Eve. My mother and my aunt settled against the buffet table talking about their children. Most of the time, Laurie was the topic of their conversation, but I heard my name whispered. It slipped under the carpet and past the door frame to my listening ears. I didn’t do well on my report card and my mother’s tone spoke of her concern. I understood all too well how disappointing I could be when it came to my school work. It’s not as if I didn’t try. I remembered for decades my aunt’s response. “Oh Gail, you know she will never amount to anything more than a housewife.”

The spark ignited the black powder of doubt that followed the trail to my heart, which eventually triggered an explosion of uncertainty about my worth.

Imagine how I felt when I realized my failure at being a housewife, especially with my first marriage. Don’t even get me started on that one.

How does it affect me now? I often think people don’t like me. If someone is having a bad day I take it personally. I never feel like I measure up to the standard of my colleagues. I second guess everything I do. I beat myself up over every wrong decision. I often feel like a hopeless failure.

The question you may be asking is: so what do you do about those moments of doubt?

My solution is a daily ritual for me. If I didn’t follow it, I would be lost in the wasteland of doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Kill Negative Thoughts: I cannot believe the worst. I have to focus on the positive. The only way I can do this is to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When I allow negative thoughts to seep into my heart, it creates chaos. It’s like a sandstorm of damaging and destructive winds lifting the top layer of my insecurities and pushing them into every imaginable part of who I am. I need to think on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy”(Philippians 4:8). Sometimes I lie in bed and focus on each one to ground me in my faith and to lift my anxieties about who I am and what I am capable of doing for others and ultimately God.

Be Confident in the Strength God has Given Me: My favorite verse and one I have stood on for years is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). When we measure ourselves against the world’s standards, it is easy to feel inadequate. When we take our weaknesses and ask God to be our strength for the battle, the job, or the ministry the following verse is our confidence: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). Another prayer I have used for an anchor when I am feeling inadequate comes from James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” I have been totally baffled by questions racing through my brain when it comes to my job and when I simply pray for wisdom, God always manifests his power in an extraordinary way and the answer is right there in front of me.

Slay the Giants of Doubt: Slaying the giants of doubt go hand-in-hand with my other daily rituals, but this is a battle strategy that works EVERY time. I need to have the faith of David and pick up the rock and slay my giant. However, the only way I can do it is by recognizing one key factor in the following verse: “Don’t be afraid or discouraged by this great army [of doubt] because the battle isn’t yours, but God’s” (2 Chronicles 20:15). I have been through some of the toughest fights both on the battlefield of insecurity and sin, but God has shown me the victory. I am not alone in battle. He has made a promise to me in his Word. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Over and over again, God has made that promise to me. He will never leave me when I am struggling, and he will never forsake me even when I am in a crisis of faith.

If you lack confidence, try these strategies for living a life of assurance with God. Please remember: Self-esteem is not the answer, but God-esteem is.

As I wrote this today, I realized how much I needed to hear it again in my own spirit. We preach to ourselves sometimes. Bottom line: Confidence in God does not allow doubt to creep in the back door because faith is the sentry.

My desire for a divine encounter supersedes any earthly wish. I felt the tangible presence of God when I went into anaphylactic shock, but I want an experience that can’t be explained away as the alteration of brain chemistry due to a lack of oxygen. I guess you could say I want a face-to-face encounter with God.

But when God places someone in your path at just the right time, a time when you need them most, it is a reflection of the divine. Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes it is part of God’s perfect plan, but it is always the mirror image of the heavenly.

When I received the call to tutor Marc, I thought it would be extra money in my pocket. However, what I didn’t expect was the extraordinary impact this young man would have on me both emotionally and spiritually. It has been life changing.

Marc is a quadriplegic. Forceps fractured his spinal cord at C1 and C2.  He is on a respirator, but he can talk. He has intravenous nutrition, but he occasionally indulges in soft foods for the simple pleasure of experiencing the sensation of flavor. He has specialized in-home care by skilled nurses most of the day and his family takes over at 4:00 p.m. Marc has his own man cave in the back of his parent’s home. It is a serene setting surrounded by green foliage and apple trees. Perched on a shelf that circles his room just a foot below the ceiling is his trains and fire station memorabilia. Marc is an honorary fireman, and he listens to a scanner during his free time. He is also an excellent artist. Since he is unable to use his hands, he places the brush in his mouth and creates unbelievable portraits of flowers (one of his portraits is above this blog entry)

I know life isn’t easy for Marc. Although he is a quadriplegic, he still feels neuropathic and musculoskeletal pain. The slow drip of medications often move their way through his body as he learns to critically analyze the assigned articles for ENG 101.  Even with all of his challenges, he works exceptionally hard in school. He uses a voice activated computer software program called Dragon Naturally Speaking, which allows him to do his work independently. He also has dreams and goals just like anyone; his are just limited.

I have gone to tutor Marc when I am worried, tired, or even upset. When I leave his house I am a different person. His laughter lifts my spirits. His perseverance gives me strength. His work ethic makes me strive harder to perfect my own craft. He inspires me.

Life has certainly thrown me some curve balls. I grew up with a sibling who has cerebral palsy, so I didn’t have the typical childhood. I married young and divorced when most people are getting around to getting married. I had two miscarriages at a time when I desperately wanted a baby. I had stage 3 borderline ovarian cancer. My son Brandon nearly died from a burst appendix and perforated bowel, and a year later he had viral meningitis. My youngest, Geoffrey, was an OxyContin addict and I watched him suffer through withdrawal. One year later, the rubber band snapped in my brain the night our family became unraveled because of the vindictiveness of an ex-daughter-in-law. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself when you are going through the dark night of the soul.

A moment of clarity about the dark shadows of my life came the night I received an email message from Marc when he thought he may need to cancel our tutoring session for a doctor’s appointment due to health issues. I told him my philosophy was to “count it all joy.” He responded, “God never gives me more than I can handle, so it is something I can count on.” He admitted he sometimes struggles with it, but I know the truth of it has settled deep into his spirit. He is an overcomer.

If he can rely on this sacred truth, I must follow in his footsteps. Trials never ask our permission to come. Marc didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a choice in some of my situations. But the fact remains, we are not perfect. We are broken. We are a mess at times. When we face the trials, like Marc has done, we may even feel like we are sinking into the abyss of our despairing moments, our health issues, or our painful memories; but we will rise out of the ashes. We will find our strength. I have learned that trials change us, most of the time for the better. But we have to let God do the work in the midst of our adversity.

So I am thankful for Marc being placed in my life. He is my encounter with the divine because of his extraordinary outlook on life and his inspiring example of how to live each day with the help of an awesome God.   

Yesterday when I came home from teaching at MCC, I sat on the family room couch not only to relax, but also to do some reading for class instruction. Unease swept me away into a river of anxiety, one I didn’t see coming and one where I couldn’t get grounded. I tried to ignore it and just kept working. As I lay in bed watching television later in the evening, something triggered my memory. I looked at Facebook on my phone and my oncologist, Dr. Gamal Eltabbakh, posted a new profile picture of himself and his dog.  I remembered. It was the seventeen year anniversary of my diagnosis: Stage 3 Borderline Ovarian Cancer.

I learned some memories are held deep within the subconscious mind, hence my earlier anxiety.

The experiences in the weeks following my surgery and the months of chemotherapy lingered in my thoughts during the twilight hour, the time just before dawn when you are somewhat awake but not quite there. One truth remains the hallmark of my cancer journey: I wouldn’t trade the moments of utter abandonment to self and reliance on God for anything. I certainly wouldn’t want to go through the surgery and chemotherapy again, but the worth of those precious moments I spent on my knees cannot be forgotten.

I found a supernatural strength I didn’t know existed. My determination to live and breathe and have my being came from my faith in God. I learned to cast my cares upon him when the chemotherapy sucked the life out of me, when I went into anaphylactic shock from my allergy to the very drug meant to save my life, and when my long blonde hair lay in clumps on my pillow. I learned to weep at the feet of Jesus. Honestly, it was the only place I could be. I didn’t wash his feet with my hair. I didn’t have any, but I still embraced his feet with humility because his grace sustained me in every waking moment. Like a child, I sat upon the lap of my father God and listened to his heartbeat until mine begin to beat in sync with his. I no longer had the title of the woman who fell from grace, my badge of shame. God’s grace helped me to live, to breathe, and to fight.

I learned that my sanctuary, my bed, became a sacred place, more so than walking into the church I loved. My prayer closet, under my covers, is where I encountered holiness, not that I had any in me. Honestly, I experienced the true holiness of God in my quietness and reliance on Him.

Where does this remembrance take me? I can’t imagine trading my experience for anything of worldly value. I wouldn’t want cancer again, but I would welcome His divine presence. The night I went into shock, I felt Jesus in the room. The tangible experience of love is more than the human mind can fathom, but I have an awesome God who let me experience it firsthand without dying. My divine encounter will stay with me till my last dying breath. I am not afraid to die. In those brief moments, I felt the embrace of Jesus. He held me in his arms, cradling me in his comfort as hospital personnel panicked around my bed. How could I ever forget such an amazing experience?

My life changing moments is meant to encourage you. Have any of my readers experienced the divine presence of God? If so, let me know. Sharing is building faith and community. Let’s do it. 

Holy Week

This song has been on my heart for a week now. It plays through my mind when I go to sleep and again when I rise. It shows dependency on God. I can't do this life without him guiding me. Pastor Tallo said last week, " We are all screw-ups, but it doesn't matter to God." It is where the grace comes in. Every hour I need his grace, but on my own I am a screw-up. I am so thankful that in Christ, there is holiness. In Christ, there is freedom. In Christ, I am not a screw-up.

This week is Holy Week. There is one thought that has not left my mind since I heard it on the K-love a few days ago. If I were to be arrested for my faith, would there be enough evidence to convict me. Wow!! Food for thought. Am I living my life in such a way that every deed shows the love of Christ in me. Sometimes the evidence is more internal rather than external. I care too much what others think about me. It says so much, and I know what you all are thinking. I should care more about what Jesus thinks than man. "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven" (New International Version, Matt. 5:16). I guess it is time to stop hiding the light and SHINE FOR JESUS!!!!

Count Your Many Blessings

Last night my husband told me some very disconcerting information. Not the type of stuff you want to hear before you head off to bed. I was reminded of a song by Bing Crosby: Count Your Blessings. The chorus says:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep

I fall asleep counting my blessings

I have a tendency of looking at the dark side of life. I don’t know if it has to do with being bipolar or not; but I focus on, dwell on, and fixate on all those things that drive me batty. I don’t know what your obsessions are but mine are the money that keeps dwindling away, my children who struggle, my lack of job security, my past mistakes, my parent’s health, and my own health.

So last night I decided I would count my blessings, not that I ever count sheep. I fell asleep thinking about all the wonderful people and things I have in my life.

- I have a loving husband who, even though he drives me crazy at times, is always my rock. He has loved me unconditionally through some of the most difficult trials of our life. He has loved me like Christ loves the church.

- I have four amazing children who are doing their best to succeed in this world. They have loved me through many storms as well. I am blessed that they call me on the phone and come to see me when they can. I love that they treat me like their first responder, even if it is when they are afraid of driving home from work in the snow or they need me to babysit.

- I also have two wonderful stepsons who I consider my own. They have loved me like a mother and have allowed me to be a part of their lives.

- I have two loving parents who are a big part of my life. I still call my mother when I need strength. My mom was the closest thing to an angel when I was going through ovarian cancer. She made me tapioca pudding when my mucositis was so bad that I could barely eat because of the sores in my mouth and gastrointestinal tract. She drove every three weeks from New York to Vermont to take care of me and the children. My dad was always a good provider for our family and he had a very rebellious daughter to put up with and he did.

- I have nine grandchildren (almost 10) and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. When I think of the years I struggled to have children and now I am surrounded by them and their own children, I cannot fathom the goodness of God toward me.

- I have friends who I love so deeply. They are always there for me whether it is to pray for me or stand by my side when I am struggling.

- I have a wonderful church with a spirit-filled pastor who leads his flock in a profoundly unique and encouraging way. His wife is a kind and gentle spirit and makes you feel so welcomed and loved.

- I love teaching. It is my passion and I have such wonderful opportunities to share my love for writing and to encourage students in their writing as well.

- This semester, although I haven’t had as many classes as I would like, it has afforded me the opportunity to spend my time writing, which is my second passion.

So when I count my many blessings, why should I focus on the cares of this world? Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” If I lay my worries at the foot of the cross, I don’t need to carry the burdens this life keeps throwing at me. I can leave them. I can let go. I can relax in knowing that God has everything under control. I Peter 5:7 reiterates that thought: “Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you.” He cares. He really does.

So from now on, I am going to put my head on the pillow at night and count my blessings. Here is a perfect song by Johnson Oatman, Jr. to end this post.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

o Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God has done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.]

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

No Compromise

When I think of compromise, I am reminded of the old Lay’s Potato Chip commercials. Their slogan: I bet you can’t eat just one. How often do we fool ourselves into believing that we can dabble in the delicacies of sin without falling prey to the whole smorgasbord? Proverbs 25:28 says, “Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man [or woman] who has no control over his spirit.” I admit I am an impulsive person. Couple that fact with having a conscience that sears to the very core of my being, I can be quite a mess. My impulsivity has driven me to do some pretty foolish things in my life, and my conscience has burned every one of those sins like a tattoo on my heart. When I was praying a few days ago about my spoils of war that sit like trophies on my mantle of regret, God said, “No compromise.”

If I am the Bride of Christ, there should be no compromise. I should be faithful to Him and His calling. Jon Piper said, “Christ didn’t die to redeem a bride who would keep him on the porch while she watched television in the den.” Our whole life should be centered on God. No compromise. I will say it again, “No compromise.” That goes for everything in our lives that is NOT pleasing to Him.

How often do we do things in secret or tell half-truths? What about watching or reading trash? Has anyone who is married slipped off to have coffee with an old flame or talked to them on the phone? What about saying things in your home that you wouldn’t dream of saying in church? We are compromising every time we do it. We are tempting ourselves with that one potato chip, and eventually we are doing more things in secret and telling HUGE lies. We are watching and reading trash more than the Word of God. We are having an affair. We are cursing more or gossiping. No compromise church.

When God spoke to me about No Compromise, I knew it was important to listen. I knew that I had to choose this day whom I was going to serve. Well, I choose to live for God. I choose to live my life in my home the same way I do in my life at church. I choose to be open and only tell the truth. I choose to refrain from doing things in secret simply because I would be judged if I did them in the open. I choose to honor God by only having healthy relationships. I choose no compromise. How about you?

Anti-religion

Clem Ferris recently spoke a word over my husband and me saying we were anti-religion. I laughed because it is so true. Religion hurts people. Relationship with God builds the body of Christ. He said we would “Blast down the walls of religion that tries to minimize people.” There are so many who need to be set free. Religion is sometimes a mere list of Thou Shalt Not versus what we should do for Christ. The Bible calls us to be doers of the word and not hearers only. If you are constantly told what you cannot do versus what you can do through his power and strength, it lends itself to pain, guilt, and anxiety. I know! I lived so many years convinced I was the worst of the worst because I kept hearing the list of don’ts, which made it difficult to work on the list of dos.

Religion will not save you. Religion will not hold! It is time for the church to be set free from religion and simply live their lives as Jesus would. I used to say I was a red letter Christian. Maybe there is now some level of truth to it. I do believe wholeheartedly that the Bible is written by the inspiration of God. Therefore, I use it as a guide for my life. But if we took Jesus’ words and pondered them and lived by them, I think we would see many of us are anti-religion. Think of all the don’ts when it comes to hanging around sinners. Jesus did it. He hung around prostitutes, tax collectors, and adulteresses. The grumblings of the Pharisees with their list of Thou Shalt Not didn’t stop him from doing it. He did it anyway.

This morning I was reading about the sinful woman who brought the alabaster box of perfume and wept at the feet of Jesus and dried his tear stained feet with her hair. She then kissed his feet and anointed them with the costly perfume. Jesus was ridiculed by the Pharisees for letting such a woman even touch him. There it is! Don’t let a sinful woman touch you. Jesus called them on their ridiculousness by asking, Did you do it for me? No, they did not. What I love is even in her sin, she knew what needed to be done. The supposed “righteous ones” didn’t do it. The sinner did. God came to save the sinner. Anti-religion says I will sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his words and bathe his feet with my tears because I know I have been forgiven much. Religion simply points out what is wrong with the woman, not recognizing the beauty of her heart.

Religion makes people quick to judge. Don’t have tattoos. Don’t dye your hair purple. Don’t pierce your body. Don’t play cards. Don’t dance. Don’t drink alcohol. Don’t hang around anyone who does any of the above.


The one “do” I know that takes care of every area of my life is this: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

I am happy to be party to blasting down the walls of religion. I was hurt by religion. My daughters have been hurt by religion. It is time to be built up by believers who have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Let’s stop the tearing down and build a strong foundation of relationship. One where Jesus is the cornerstone.