“Why are you in despair, my soul? Hope in God, because I will praise him once again, since his presence saves me and he is my God.” Psalm 43:5
I am writing this to my own soul today. I am struggling with fear, doubt, and depression. It happens to me sometimes, but right now the walls are crumbling down around me. They are familiar walls, and it is the very reason for my despair. When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer seventeen years ago, the days prior to my diagnosis were filled with God speaking to me about the refiner’s fire. I knew I was about to face the purifying hand of God in my life, and I did. While chemotherapy was killing cells, God was clearing away the dirt and grime of my sin. Zachariah 13:9 says, “And I will bring the third part through the fire. I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them. I will say ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, 'The Lord is our God.’”I don’t know how many times I called on God during those grueling days. I was desperate for Him. I needed him. I surrendered my will to HIS will, and I hungered and thirsted only for Him. He heard me. He really heard me. He delivered me not only from cancer but from my former self. It was a battle, but I survived by the purifying hand of God.
Now I am facing uncertainty again, and God is saying, “Trust me.” Last year, I had an infection in my jaw that was taken care of by a round of antibiotics. To make a long story short, I have seen an endodontist and my dentist, and I have had four infections since November with no concrete answers. This week I decided to go to my medical doctor who is sending me for a bone scan to rule out a mass. He did a blood marker test and made an appointment with his dentist who can check for osteomyelitis.
It is a time when I am drawing near to God because I am so desperate. I am not eager to go through the refiner’s fire again. But, maybe I need it. Maybe I need the drenching of my soul with God’s purifying touch. The past few months I’ve realized how much I need to come to a place of surrender. I have seen the ugliness of my heart, and it isn’t pretty. Anger surfaces within me, an anger I thought had dissipated from my life a long time ago. Seeds of doubt have crushed my spirit to the point I am now a withered plant needing to be drenched by refreshing streams. At times, I have wanted to abandon my storm-battered ship, but I have stirred up every ounce of strength I’ve had left to persevere and sail on. In other words, I have been a mess to the point that I doubted if God could love a sinner like me.
So here I am again, awaiting the news and knowing that no matter what storms I may pass through again, God is with me. He is my anchor in the storm. He is the purifier of my soul. He is the rushing wind of change. He is the refreshing rain after a season of bone dry faith. He is a God who loves me, even in the ugliness of my sin.
As I speak openly to my soul, I know that many of you can identify with my circumstances. Please pray for me, but also let me pray for you. With Jesus by our side, we will weather this storm together.
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