This past Sunday at church, I heard a very sobering message on Hell. I know. Why is my pastor taking the hell, fire, and brimstone journey on the pulpit? The answer: we serve a just and holy God. A few things he preached on made me step back and take a long, hard look at my life. I have salvation by grace, but the Fruits of the Spirit should be evidence that my roots are not rotten. I have to question whether I have really changed because of God’s grace and mercy toward me or am I just playing the role of being a Christian. There are a couple of issues in my life that are on the forefront of my mind as I think about this idea of being truly changed.
First of all, for many years I was the fire insurance policy Christian. I didn’t want to go to Hell, so I would straighten out and resume my walk with God only to fall again. Insurance policies are the devil’s ploy, not God’s. What was happening was I was singed, had smoke inhalation, and at times was burned while trying to figure out this whole avoiding Hell problem. I lived with so much guilt and condemnation that I could barely keep my head held high when I walked into the church. I was so loaded down with my sins and failures that I couldn’t see or even begin the fathom the mercy of God. I could not accept the notion that by grace I am saved. Nor could I understand that all of my efforts were in vain. I could not claw my way to the Kingdom of God.
Secondly, I am a bipolar Christian. That doesn’t mean I am a case of whiplash in my faith where I jump back and forth, even though it is sometimes true. I have bipolar disorder, and it is difficult for me to gauge my walk with God because of my many mood swings. When I was younger, the manic state and anxiety was the cause of so much sin in my life. Now the depression over the sins of the past and the mistakes of today makes me feel so unworthy to even stand before God at judgment day. I have a hard time seeing I am truly changed. Please know I recognize that my bipolar disorder is not an excuse for my sin nor is it a reason for me to wallow in self-pity over my past failures.
So after my pastor’s sobering sermon, I had to look at my life and see how I had changed. I had to examine my roots to make sure they weren’t rotting beneath the surface where no one could see. And if you believe that line, it is a lie. When the roots are rotten, the fruit is too. So I looked at the fruits in my life. There are a few. But the things I have done to hurt myself and others are more plentiful. Those baskets are full. But I learned something from my serious introspection. I have covered my face with ashes, as if in mourning, over my sin for far too long. It is time to wash off the grief of the past and move on. Job 11:16 says, “You will forget your trouble and remember it as waters gone by.” I was a woman disgraced, but those waters have passed and the sin is forgotten. Not in a boastful way, but I did an inventory and saw that there were areas of my life where I had changed. Even though bipolar, I could see the calming of the seas of turmoil, the rampant rage of mania diminishing, and the peaceful rivers of grace taking over my life. Sometimes I touch the lives of my students in ways that are transforming. I have mercy where others judge. I am changed.
Yesterday, I stepped out in faith and proved I changed by letting go of some things that were a stumbling block in my life, rocks of offence. When I did, God showed me in his deepest love, which by the way made me giggle as I was driving down the road to work, that I am not the person I was because I am stronger. My strength lies in the arms of God. For when I am weak, I am strong in him. Psalm 91 has seen me through many storms: ovarian cancer, my son’s drug addiction, and my bipolar disorder. It holds truths that no man can take away from me.
“He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honor him” (Psalm 91:15).
Be changed today!
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