Yesterday when I came home from teaching at MCC, I sat on the family room couch not only to relax, but also to do some reading for class instruction. Unease swept me away into a river of anxiety, one I didn’t see coming and one where I couldn’t get grounded. I tried to ignore it and just kept working. As I lay in bed watching television later in the evening, something triggered my memory. I looked at Facebook on my phone and my oncologist, Dr. Gamal Eltabbakh, posted a new profile picture of himself and his dog.  I remembered. It was the seventeen year anniversary of my diagnosis: Stage 3 Borderline Ovarian Cancer.

I learned some memories are held deep within the subconscious mind, hence my earlier anxiety.

The experiences in the weeks following my surgery and the months of chemotherapy lingered in my thoughts during the twilight hour, the time just before dawn when you are somewhat awake but not quite there. One truth remains the hallmark of my cancer journey: I wouldn’t trade the moments of utter abandonment to self and reliance on God for anything. I certainly wouldn’t want to go through the surgery and chemotherapy again, but the worth of those precious moments I spent on my knees cannot be forgotten.

I found a supernatural strength I didn’t know existed. My determination to live and breathe and have my being came from my faith in God. I learned to cast my cares upon him when the chemotherapy sucked the life out of me, when I went into anaphylactic shock from my allergy to the very drug meant to save my life, and when my long blonde hair lay in clumps on my pillow. I learned to weep at the feet of Jesus. Honestly, it was the only place I could be. I didn’t wash his feet with my hair. I didn’t have any, but I still embraced his feet with humility because his grace sustained me in every waking moment. Like a child, I sat upon the lap of my father God and listened to his heartbeat until mine begin to beat in sync with his. I no longer had the title of the woman who fell from grace, my badge of shame. God’s grace helped me to live, to breathe, and to fight.

I learned that my sanctuary, my bed, became a sacred place, more so than walking into the church I loved. My prayer closet, under my covers, is where I encountered holiness, not that I had any in me. Honestly, I experienced the true holiness of God in my quietness and reliance on Him.

Where does this remembrance take me? I can’t imagine trading my experience for anything of worldly value. I wouldn’t want cancer again, but I would welcome His divine presence. The night I went into shock, I felt Jesus in the room. The tangible experience of love is more than the human mind can fathom, but I have an awesome God who let me experience it firsthand without dying. My divine encounter will stay with me till my last dying breath. I am not afraid to die. In those brief moments, I felt the embrace of Jesus. He held me in his arms, cradling me in his comfort as hospital personnel panicked around my bed. How could I ever forget such an amazing experience?

My life changing moments is meant to encourage you. Have any of my readers experienced the divine presence of God? If so, let me know. Sharing is building faith and community. Let’s do it. 

Holy Week

This song has been on my heart for a week now. It plays through my mind when I go to sleep and again when I rise. It shows dependency on God. I can't do this life without him guiding me. Pastor Tallo said last week, " We are all screw-ups, but it doesn't matter to God." It is where the grace comes in. Every hour I need his grace, but on my own I am a screw-up. I am so thankful that in Christ, there is holiness. In Christ, there is freedom. In Christ, I am not a screw-up.

This week is Holy Week. There is one thought that has not left my mind since I heard it on the K-love a few days ago. If I were to be arrested for my faith, would there be enough evidence to convict me. Wow!! Food for thought. Am I living my life in such a way that every deed shows the love of Christ in me. Sometimes the evidence is more internal rather than external. I care too much what others think about me. It says so much, and I know what you all are thinking. I should care more about what Jesus thinks than man. "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven" (New International Version, Matt. 5:16). I guess it is time to stop hiding the light and SHINE FOR JESUS!!!!

Count Your Many Blessings

Last night my husband told me some very disconcerting information. Not the type of stuff you want to hear before you head off to bed. I was reminded of a song by Bing Crosby: Count Your Blessings. The chorus says:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep

I fall asleep counting my blessings

I have a tendency of looking at the dark side of life. I don’t know if it has to do with being bipolar or not; but I focus on, dwell on, and fixate on all those things that drive me batty. I don’t know what your obsessions are but mine are the money that keeps dwindling away, my children who struggle, my lack of job security, my past mistakes, my parent’s health, and my own health.

So last night I decided I would count my blessings, not that I ever count sheep. I fell asleep thinking about all the wonderful people and things I have in my life.

- I have a loving husband who, even though he drives me crazy at times, is always my rock. He has loved me unconditionally through some of the most difficult trials of our life. He has loved me like Christ loves the church.

- I have four amazing children who are doing their best to succeed in this world. They have loved me through many storms as well. I am blessed that they call me on the phone and come to see me when they can. I love that they treat me like their first responder, even if it is when they are afraid of driving home from work in the snow or they need me to babysit.

- I also have two wonderful stepsons who I consider my own. They have loved me like a mother and have allowed me to be a part of their lives.

- I have two loving parents who are a big part of my life. I still call my mother when I need strength. My mom was the closest thing to an angel when I was going through ovarian cancer. She made me tapioca pudding when my mucositis was so bad that I could barely eat because of the sores in my mouth and gastrointestinal tract. She drove every three weeks from New York to Vermont to take care of me and the children. My dad was always a good provider for our family and he had a very rebellious daughter to put up with and he did.

- I have nine grandchildren (almost 10) and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. When I think of the years I struggled to have children and now I am surrounded by them and their own children, I cannot fathom the goodness of God toward me.

- I have friends who I love so deeply. They are always there for me whether it is to pray for me or stand by my side when I am struggling.

- I have a wonderful church with a spirit-filled pastor who leads his flock in a profoundly unique and encouraging way. His wife is a kind and gentle spirit and makes you feel so welcomed and loved.

- I love teaching. It is my passion and I have such wonderful opportunities to share my love for writing and to encourage students in their writing as well.

- This semester, although I haven’t had as many classes as I would like, it has afforded me the opportunity to spend my time writing, which is my second passion.

So when I count my many blessings, why should I focus on the cares of this world? Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” If I lay my worries at the foot of the cross, I don’t need to carry the burdens this life keeps throwing at me. I can leave them. I can let go. I can relax in knowing that God has everything under control. I Peter 5:7 reiterates that thought: “Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you.” He cares. He really does.

So from now on, I am going to put my head on the pillow at night and count my blessings. Here is a perfect song by Johnson Oatman, Jr. to end this post.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

o Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God has done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.]

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

No Compromise

When I think of compromise, I am reminded of the old Lay’s Potato Chip commercials. Their slogan: I bet you can’t eat just one. How often do we fool ourselves into believing that we can dabble in the delicacies of sin without falling prey to the whole smorgasbord? Proverbs 25:28 says, “Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man [or woman] who has no control over his spirit.” I admit I am an impulsive person. Couple that fact with having a conscience that sears to the very core of my being, I can be quite a mess. My impulsivity has driven me to do some pretty foolish things in my life, and my conscience has burned every one of those sins like a tattoo on my heart. When I was praying a few days ago about my spoils of war that sit like trophies on my mantle of regret, God said, “No compromise.”

If I am the Bride of Christ, there should be no compromise. I should be faithful to Him and His calling. Jon Piper said, “Christ didn’t die to redeem a bride who would keep him on the porch while she watched television in the den.” Our whole life should be centered on God. No compromise. I will say it again, “No compromise.” That goes for everything in our lives that is NOT pleasing to Him.

How often do we do things in secret or tell half-truths? What about watching or reading trash? Has anyone who is married slipped off to have coffee with an old flame or talked to them on the phone? What about saying things in your home that you wouldn’t dream of saying in church? We are compromising every time we do it. We are tempting ourselves with that one potato chip, and eventually we are doing more things in secret and telling HUGE lies. We are watching and reading trash more than the Word of God. We are having an affair. We are cursing more or gossiping. No compromise church.

When God spoke to me about No Compromise, I knew it was important to listen. I knew that I had to choose this day whom I was going to serve. Well, I choose to live for God. I choose to live my life in my home the same way I do in my life at church. I choose to be open and only tell the truth. I choose to refrain from doing things in secret simply because I would be judged if I did them in the open. I choose to honor God by only having healthy relationships. I choose no compromise. How about you?

Anti-religion

Clem Ferris recently spoke a word over my husband and me saying we were anti-religion. I laughed because it is so true. Religion hurts people. Relationship with God builds the body of Christ. He said we would “Blast down the walls of religion that tries to minimize people.” There are so many who need to be set free. Religion is sometimes a mere list of Thou Shalt Not versus what we should do for Christ. The Bible calls us to be doers of the word and not hearers only. If you are constantly told what you cannot do versus what you can do through his power and strength, it lends itself to pain, guilt, and anxiety. I know! I lived so many years convinced I was the worst of the worst because I kept hearing the list of don’ts, which made it difficult to work on the list of dos.

Religion will not save you. Religion will not hold! It is time for the church to be set free from religion and simply live their lives as Jesus would. I used to say I was a red letter Christian. Maybe there is now some level of truth to it. I do believe wholeheartedly that the Bible is written by the inspiration of God. Therefore, I use it as a guide for my life. But if we took Jesus’ words and pondered them and lived by them, I think we would see many of us are anti-religion. Think of all the don’ts when it comes to hanging around sinners. Jesus did it. He hung around prostitutes, tax collectors, and adulteresses. The grumblings of the Pharisees with their list of Thou Shalt Not didn’t stop him from doing it. He did it anyway.

This morning I was reading about the sinful woman who brought the alabaster box of perfume and wept at the feet of Jesus and dried his tear stained feet with her hair. She then kissed his feet and anointed them with the costly perfume. Jesus was ridiculed by the Pharisees for letting such a woman even touch him. There it is! Don’t let a sinful woman touch you. Jesus called them on their ridiculousness by asking, Did you do it for me? No, they did not. What I love is even in her sin, she knew what needed to be done. The supposed “righteous ones” didn’t do it. The sinner did. God came to save the sinner. Anti-religion says I will sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his words and bathe his feet with my tears because I know I have been forgiven much. Religion simply points out what is wrong with the woman, not recognizing the beauty of her heart.

Religion makes people quick to judge. Don’t have tattoos. Don’t dye your hair purple. Don’t pierce your body. Don’t play cards. Don’t dance. Don’t drink alcohol. Don’t hang around anyone who does any of the above.


The one “do” I know that takes care of every area of my life is this: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

I am happy to be party to blasting down the walls of religion. I was hurt by religion. My daughters have been hurt by religion. It is time to be built up by believers who have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Let’s stop the tearing down and build a strong foundation of relationship. One where Jesus is the cornerstone.

The Streets Don't Love You

I read an editorial this morning about the tragic deaths of young people on the streets of Rochester, New York. The shootings are seldom random. When the victim comes face-to-face with their known assailant, they see the hatred in their eyes. They see the gun pointed at them. They know they won’t survive. The streets are no longer safe. My son lives on Lake Avenue in Charlotte, and he has had police right outside his door. A man was beating a woman in his front yard. He bought a dog, built a fence, and put security lights outside his home. Although he has only been there a mere seven months, he is ready to move to the country and will rent his home.

Whenever I consider how dangerous the streets are in Rochester, I often think of the homeless. It is becoming more and more difficult for them to find a place to rest their cold and weary bodies for the night. The shelters are full and the police have closed off the one and only warm place to sleep for the night and that is the Civic Center parking garage. Soon they will be tearing down the underground subway, another place the homeless reside. They are building luxury apartments and the underground subway will be the parking garage for the apartments. A homeless dwelling for a luxury apartment, it seems ironic, doesn’t it? It is sad but true.

In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, two pastors and an elderly gentleman in his nineties were arrested for feeding the homeless. Their crime was going against a new ordinance that prohibited the feeding of the homeless on the streets. It needs to be in a building. Fort Lauderdale is a tourist community and is home to many affluent people. They want to rid their streets of the homeless because of the almighty dollar. Another sad scenario of what some consider important.

Matthew 25:45 says, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.” When we turn our back on the homeless, we are turning our back on Jesus. A few days ago, I came across a scrounger outside of Starbucks. Scroungers, according to Lars Eighner, author of “My Daily Dumpster Dives” are people in search of cans for money. I have seen this man before when I used to pick up baked goods from Starbucks to feed the homeless with Streets for Christ. I gave him a bag of bagels once or twice. When I saw him a few days ago, I asked him if he would like a cup of coffee and something to eat. He whispered, “Yes, please.” So I went inside and bought him a Grande Salted Caramel Mocha Latte and a sweet roll. When I came out and gave it to him I said, “God bless you.” The look in his eyes was pure gratefulness and he said, “God bless you too.”

Sometimes I have come across people on the streets who are simply out for the money and I can usually tell the difference. When I was in New Orleans, I heard a long sob story from this guy about how he lost his daughter in Hurricane Katrina and he didn’t have a home. I knew he was lying, but God told me to give him twenty dollars. I heard him laughing later about how gullible I was. I walked up to him and said, “I didn’t give you money because of your sob story. I gave you money because God told me to. He wants you to know he loves you and cares for you. This was his gift to you, not mine.” I wish you could have seen the look on his face. He stood in utter humility before me. I could see his remorse. He was hearing the voice of God through me. I wasn’t special that day, but God spoke to him through His vessel. Our God is special in that he cares about those who are liars and cheaters. Most of all he cares about the homeless who are out on the streets.

The streets may not love you, but God does. He uses Streets for Christ, The House of Mercy, Open Door Mission and countless individuals who care about the homeless to minister to them, to feed them, to clothe them, and to love them. This holiday season consider donating to an organization that feeds the homeless in your area. This semester my ENG 101 classes are donating food and clothing to the homeless in our area. They are also giving of their time as well. It excites me to see the power of God at work. Let him work through you as well this holiday season and all year. You will be blessed when you bless others who are in need. Thank you!

Because It's My Name

Last night I went to the Cycles for Christ Thanksgiving Dinner where many motorcycle clubs/gangs were represented. I ate dinner with The Hells Angels, The Brotherhood, Hostile Hordes, The Bastards, and several Christian motorcycle organizations. I was intrigued by the names on their leather vests, names such as Zonk, Ghost, Ratchet and Slider. One young man was labeled “Prospect” because he was waiting to become a full-fledged member. These men cherish their nicknames, or road names, which are usually given after some kind of inciting incident happened defining who they are as club members. Their patches, street names and club insignias are also representative of who they are as club/gang members and they wear them with pride as well. Last night’s experience had me thinking about our given names, but also the reputation we try to uphold when it comes to our names. In other words, we don’t want our names tarnished by our deeds.

I put great thought into naming my children. I wanted them to be a genuine representation of the names they were given. Melinda means “gentle.” Her middle name “Grace” was given as they were wheeling me back to my room after her delivery. I knew it was by God’s grace that I had her at seventeen, especially since it was without much difficulty. Bethany means “House of God.” I had wandered far from God before I conceived her. I also did not believe I would have any children after Melinda. It had been nine years with two miscarriages. When I became pregnant with her, I knew she was God’s gift, and knowing she was growing inside me brought me back to God. Brandon means “Beacon Light.” He has lived out his name over and over again with the adversity he has faced, so much so that one of his close friends wrote his college essay about how Brandon had been an inspiration to him in his life. Finally, Geoffrey means “Reconciliation.” My husband chose his name late one night. I knew his name was God given. Geoffrey’s presence became a restoration of all the promises of God, especially to never leave me nor forsake me and to give me a hope and a future.

Like the motorcycle club/gang members value their earned names, we often hold fast to our reputations as well. I am a people pleaser. I admit it. But I haven’t always been that way. I used to let things roll off my shoulders, and I didn’t care what people thought of me. I lived my life as an open book. I didn’t try and hide my sin. It was out in the open for everyone to see. God didn’t shout it from the rooftops. I did. Why? I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I didn’t want to act one way in church and live completely opposite out in the marketplace or in my home. It took a long time for me to care about my reputation, my name.

So now I am a people pleaser. I do too much because I don’t want anyone’s anger rising up against me. I don’t know how to say “no” when I have so much on my plate already. I keep silent so as to not rustle any feathers. “Peace at any price,” at times, is my motto. I am thinking about going back to the way I was before, but not in the area of sin. I want to be a rebel with a cause. I want my name to represent someone who was not afraid to do what was right even it was not a conventional approach. I want to shake up the world.

But what concerns me is the man who cares more about his name than any other relationship or ministry in his life. It reminds me of John Proctor’s words when he was about to be hanged for being involved in witchcraft, and his name was going to be nailed to the door of the church. He begged them not to do it. He cried, “Because it is my name. Because I cannot have another in my life…How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name.” Doesn’t that say it all for some people today? They care more about their reputation than anything else. Even though they walk in sin, they don’t care about the relationships they are destroying. No, they care about their name. It is the single most important thing in their life. I say care about your walk with God. He is the one who gave you breath and the reason you have a name. He gave you a ministry and a family. He surrounded you with people who care about you and look up to you. Your reputation will be built when you put God first in your life, your loved ones next, and everything else last.

One thing I can say about the motorcycle club/gang members who were at the dinner last night is yes, they care about their name. But they also care about the people within their circle of influence. When my ex-husband was in a serious motorcycle accident, his club members paid for Melinda to come and see him. They paid for the owner’s fence to be replaced that he went through because of a pothole in the road. They put on dinners for ALL motorcycle groups regardless of their reputation. They live up to their names.

The bottom line is: do not hide behind a reputation that means very little if you do not live a life of integrity. God knows each of our names and they will be called before the judgment seat of God one day. Let your name count for righteousness.