When Confidence Wanes

I know why I lack self-confidence, but even in the knowing it doesn’t help shed my pathological need for approval. It doesn’t stop the tyrannical appetite to prove myself capable through taking on more responsibilities or being the professional student who wants to prove her intelligence. Yesterday, my office mate said, “You are so accomplished.” The absurdity of his remark made me laugh.

I struggled academically and emotionally throughout most of my school age years. Although my senior year, when everyone else had senioritis, I pushed myself to be successful by taking on more classes and working a part-time job. Growing up, my world centered on the needs of family, namely my sister. I don’t blame her for my issues. Other factors played a role in the demise of my confidence. Writing a list of all the whiny reasons why would only stir the pot of my daily insecurities, so I will only focus on one. It attached its nasty tentacles to my brain speaking lies about my stupidity while it twisted its long arms around my chest stealing my very breath and giving me anxiety.

I can remember the night so vividly. I stood in the kitchen at my Uncle Jack’s house on Christmas Eve. My mother and my aunt settled against the buffet table talking about their children. Most of the time, Laurie was the topic of their conversation, but I heard my name whispered. It slipped under the carpet and past the door frame to my listening ears. I didn’t do well on my report card and my mother’s tone spoke of her concern. I understood all too well how disappointing I could be when it came to my school work. It’s not as if I didn’t try. I remembered for decades my aunt’s response. “Oh Gail, you know she will never amount to anything more than a housewife.”

The spark ignited the black powder of doubt that followed the trail to my heart, which eventually triggered an explosion of uncertainty about my worth.

Imagine how I felt when I realized my failure at being a housewife, especially with my first marriage. Don’t even get me started on that one.

How does it affect me now? I often think people don’t like me. If someone is having a bad day I take it personally. I never feel like I measure up to the standard of my colleagues. I second guess everything I do. I beat myself up over every wrong decision. I often feel like a hopeless failure.

The question you may be asking is: so what do you do about those moments of doubt?

My solution is a daily ritual for me. If I didn’t follow it, I would be lost in the wasteland of doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Kill Negative Thoughts: I cannot believe the worst. I have to focus on the positive. The only way I can do this is to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When I allow negative thoughts to seep into my heart, it creates chaos. It’s like a sandstorm of damaging and destructive winds lifting the top layer of my insecurities and pushing them into every imaginable part of who I am. I need to think on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy”(Philippians 4:8). Sometimes I lie in bed and focus on each one to ground me in my faith and to lift my anxieties about who I am and what I am capable of doing for others and ultimately God.

Be Confident in the Strength God has Given Me: My favorite verse and one I have stood on for years is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). When we measure ourselves against the world’s standards, it is easy to feel inadequate. When we take our weaknesses and ask God to be our strength for the battle, the job, or the ministry the following verse is our confidence: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). Another prayer I have used for an anchor when I am feeling inadequate comes from James 1:5. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” I have been totally baffled by questions racing through my brain when it comes to my job and when I simply pray for wisdom, God always manifests his power in an extraordinary way and the answer is right there in front of me.

Slay the Giants of Doubt: Slaying the giants of doubt go hand-in-hand with my other daily rituals, but this is a battle strategy that works EVERY time. I need to have the faith of David and pick up the rock and slay my giant. However, the only way I can do it is by recognizing one key factor in the following verse: “Don’t be afraid or discouraged by this great army [of doubt] because the battle isn’t yours, but God’s” (2 Chronicles 20:15). I have been through some of the toughest fights both on the battlefield of insecurity and sin, but God has shown me the victory. I am not alone in battle. He has made a promise to me in his Word. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Over and over again, God has made that promise to me. He will never leave me when I am struggling, and he will never forsake me even when I am in a crisis of faith.

If you lack confidence, try these strategies for living a life of assurance with God. Please remember: Self-esteem is not the answer, but God-esteem is.

As I wrote this today, I realized how much I needed to hear it again in my own spirit. We preach to ourselves sometimes. Bottom line: Confidence in God does not allow doubt to creep in the back door because faith is the sentry.

My desire for a divine encounter supersedes any earthly wish. I felt the tangible presence of God when I went into anaphylactic shock, but I want an experience that can’t be explained away as the alteration of brain chemistry due to a lack of oxygen. I guess you could say I want a face-to-face encounter with God.

But when God places someone in your path at just the right time, a time when you need them most, it is a reflection of the divine. Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes it is part of God’s perfect plan, but it is always the mirror image of the heavenly.

When I received the call to tutor Marc, I thought it would be extra money in my pocket. However, what I didn’t expect was the extraordinary impact this young man would have on me both emotionally and spiritually. It has been life changing.

Marc is a quadriplegic. Forceps fractured his spinal cord at C1 and C2.  He is on a respirator, but he can talk. He has intravenous nutrition, but he occasionally indulges in soft foods for the simple pleasure of experiencing the sensation of flavor. He has specialized in-home care by skilled nurses most of the day and his family takes over at 4:00 p.m. Marc has his own man cave in the back of his parent’s home. It is a serene setting surrounded by green foliage and apple trees. Perched on a shelf that circles his room just a foot below the ceiling is his trains and fire station memorabilia. Marc is an honorary fireman, and he listens to a scanner during his free time. He is also an excellent artist. Since he is unable to use his hands, he places the brush in his mouth and creates unbelievable portraits of flowers (one of his portraits is above this blog entry)

I know life isn’t easy for Marc. Although he is a quadriplegic, he still feels neuropathic and musculoskeletal pain. The slow drip of medications often move their way through his body as he learns to critically analyze the assigned articles for ENG 101.  Even with all of his challenges, he works exceptionally hard in school. He uses a voice activated computer software program called Dragon Naturally Speaking, which allows him to do his work independently. He also has dreams and goals just like anyone; his are just limited.

I have gone to tutor Marc when I am worried, tired, or even upset. When I leave his house I am a different person. His laughter lifts my spirits. His perseverance gives me strength. His work ethic makes me strive harder to perfect my own craft. He inspires me.

Life has certainly thrown me some curve balls. I grew up with a sibling who has cerebral palsy, so I didn’t have the typical childhood. I married young and divorced when most people are getting around to getting married. I had two miscarriages at a time when I desperately wanted a baby. I had stage 3 borderline ovarian cancer. My son Brandon nearly died from a burst appendix and perforated bowel, and a year later he had viral meningitis. My youngest, Geoffrey, was an OxyContin addict and I watched him suffer through withdrawal. One year later, the rubber band snapped in my brain the night our family became unraveled because of the vindictiveness of an ex-daughter-in-law. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself when you are going through the dark night of the soul.

A moment of clarity about the dark shadows of my life came the night I received an email message from Marc when he thought he may need to cancel our tutoring session for a doctor’s appointment due to health issues. I told him my philosophy was to “count it all joy.” He responded, “God never gives me more than I can handle, so it is something I can count on.” He admitted he sometimes struggles with it, but I know the truth of it has settled deep into his spirit. He is an overcomer.

If he can rely on this sacred truth, I must follow in his footsteps. Trials never ask our permission to come. Marc didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a choice in some of my situations. But the fact remains, we are not perfect. We are broken. We are a mess at times. When we face the trials, like Marc has done, we may even feel like we are sinking into the abyss of our despairing moments, our health issues, or our painful memories; but we will rise out of the ashes. We will find our strength. I have learned that trials change us, most of the time for the better. But we have to let God do the work in the midst of our adversity.

So I am thankful for Marc being placed in my life. He is my encounter with the divine because of his extraordinary outlook on life and his inspiring example of how to live each day with the help of an awesome God.   

Yesterday when I came home from teaching at MCC, I sat on the family room couch not only to relax, but also to do some reading for class instruction. Unease swept me away into a river of anxiety, one I didn’t see coming and one where I couldn’t get grounded. I tried to ignore it and just kept working. As I lay in bed watching television later in the evening, something triggered my memory. I looked at Facebook on my phone and my oncologist, Dr. Gamal Eltabbakh, posted a new profile picture of himself and his dog.  I remembered. It was the seventeen year anniversary of my diagnosis: Stage 3 Borderline Ovarian Cancer.

I learned some memories are held deep within the subconscious mind, hence my earlier anxiety.

The experiences in the weeks following my surgery and the months of chemotherapy lingered in my thoughts during the twilight hour, the time just before dawn when you are somewhat awake but not quite there. One truth remains the hallmark of my cancer journey: I wouldn’t trade the moments of utter abandonment to self and reliance on God for anything. I certainly wouldn’t want to go through the surgery and chemotherapy again, but the worth of those precious moments I spent on my knees cannot be forgotten.

I found a supernatural strength I didn’t know existed. My determination to live and breathe and have my being came from my faith in God. I learned to cast my cares upon him when the chemotherapy sucked the life out of me, when I went into anaphylactic shock from my allergy to the very drug meant to save my life, and when my long blonde hair lay in clumps on my pillow. I learned to weep at the feet of Jesus. Honestly, it was the only place I could be. I didn’t wash his feet with my hair. I didn’t have any, but I still embraced his feet with humility because his grace sustained me in every waking moment. Like a child, I sat upon the lap of my father God and listened to his heartbeat until mine begin to beat in sync with his. I no longer had the title of the woman who fell from grace, my badge of shame. God’s grace helped me to live, to breathe, and to fight.

I learned that my sanctuary, my bed, became a sacred place, more so than walking into the church I loved. My prayer closet, under my covers, is where I encountered holiness, not that I had any in me. Honestly, I experienced the true holiness of God in my quietness and reliance on Him.

Where does this remembrance take me? I can’t imagine trading my experience for anything of worldly value. I wouldn’t want cancer again, but I would welcome His divine presence. The night I went into shock, I felt Jesus in the room. The tangible experience of love is more than the human mind can fathom, but I have an awesome God who let me experience it firsthand without dying. My divine encounter will stay with me till my last dying breath. I am not afraid to die. In those brief moments, I felt the embrace of Jesus. He held me in his arms, cradling me in his comfort as hospital personnel panicked around my bed. How could I ever forget such an amazing experience?

My life changing moments is meant to encourage you. Have any of my readers experienced the divine presence of God? If so, let me know. Sharing is building faith and community. Let’s do it. 

Holy Week

This song has been on my heart for a week now. It plays through my mind when I go to sleep and again when I rise. It shows dependency on God. I can't do this life without him guiding me. Pastor Tallo said last week, " We are all screw-ups, but it doesn't matter to God." It is where the grace comes in. Every hour I need his grace, but on my own I am a screw-up. I am so thankful that in Christ, there is holiness. In Christ, there is freedom. In Christ, I am not a screw-up.

This week is Holy Week. There is one thought that has not left my mind since I heard it on the K-love a few days ago. If I were to be arrested for my faith, would there be enough evidence to convict me. Wow!! Food for thought. Am I living my life in such a way that every deed shows the love of Christ in me. Sometimes the evidence is more internal rather than external. I care too much what others think about me. It says so much, and I know what you all are thinking. I should care more about what Jesus thinks than man. "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven" (New International Version, Matt. 5:16). I guess it is time to stop hiding the light and SHINE FOR JESUS!!!!

Count Your Many Blessings

Last night my husband told me some very disconcerting information. Not the type of stuff you want to hear before you head off to bed. I was reminded of a song by Bing Crosby: Count Your Blessings. The chorus says:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep

I fall asleep counting my blessings

I have a tendency of looking at the dark side of life. I don’t know if it has to do with being bipolar or not; but I focus on, dwell on, and fixate on all those things that drive me batty. I don’t know what your obsessions are but mine are the money that keeps dwindling away, my children who struggle, my lack of job security, my past mistakes, my parent’s health, and my own health.

So last night I decided I would count my blessings, not that I ever count sheep. I fell asleep thinking about all the wonderful people and things I have in my life.

- I have a loving husband who, even though he drives me crazy at times, is always my rock. He has loved me unconditionally through some of the most difficult trials of our life. He has loved me like Christ loves the church.

- I have four amazing children who are doing their best to succeed in this world. They have loved me through many storms as well. I am blessed that they call me on the phone and come to see me when they can. I love that they treat me like their first responder, even if it is when they are afraid of driving home from work in the snow or they need me to babysit.

- I also have two wonderful stepsons who I consider my own. They have loved me like a mother and have allowed me to be a part of their lives.

- I have two loving parents who are a big part of my life. I still call my mother when I need strength. My mom was the closest thing to an angel when I was going through ovarian cancer. She made me tapioca pudding when my mucositis was so bad that I could barely eat because of the sores in my mouth and gastrointestinal tract. She drove every three weeks from New York to Vermont to take care of me and the children. My dad was always a good provider for our family and he had a very rebellious daughter to put up with and he did.

- I have nine grandchildren (almost 10) and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. When I think of the years I struggled to have children and now I am surrounded by them and their own children, I cannot fathom the goodness of God toward me.

- I have friends who I love so deeply. They are always there for me whether it is to pray for me or stand by my side when I am struggling.

- I have a wonderful church with a spirit-filled pastor who leads his flock in a profoundly unique and encouraging way. His wife is a kind and gentle spirit and makes you feel so welcomed and loved.

- I love teaching. It is my passion and I have such wonderful opportunities to share my love for writing and to encourage students in their writing as well.

- This semester, although I haven’t had as many classes as I would like, it has afforded me the opportunity to spend my time writing, which is my second passion.

So when I count my many blessings, why should I focus on the cares of this world? Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” If I lay my worries at the foot of the cross, I don’t need to carry the burdens this life keeps throwing at me. I can leave them. I can let go. I can relax in knowing that God has everything under control. I Peter 5:7 reiterates that thought: “Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you.” He cares. He really does.

So from now on, I am going to put my head on the pillow at night and count my blessings. Here is a perfect song by Johnson Oatman, Jr. to end this post.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

o Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God has done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.]

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

No Compromise

When I think of compromise, I am reminded of the old Lay’s Potato Chip commercials. Their slogan: I bet you can’t eat just one. How often do we fool ourselves into believing that we can dabble in the delicacies of sin without falling prey to the whole smorgasbord? Proverbs 25:28 says, “Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man [or woman] who has no control over his spirit.” I admit I am an impulsive person. Couple that fact with having a conscience that sears to the very core of my being, I can be quite a mess. My impulsivity has driven me to do some pretty foolish things in my life, and my conscience has burned every one of those sins like a tattoo on my heart. When I was praying a few days ago about my spoils of war that sit like trophies on my mantle of regret, God said, “No compromise.”

If I am the Bride of Christ, there should be no compromise. I should be faithful to Him and His calling. Jon Piper said, “Christ didn’t die to redeem a bride who would keep him on the porch while she watched television in the den.” Our whole life should be centered on God. No compromise. I will say it again, “No compromise.” That goes for everything in our lives that is NOT pleasing to Him.

How often do we do things in secret or tell half-truths? What about watching or reading trash? Has anyone who is married slipped off to have coffee with an old flame or talked to them on the phone? What about saying things in your home that you wouldn’t dream of saying in church? We are compromising every time we do it. We are tempting ourselves with that one potato chip, and eventually we are doing more things in secret and telling HUGE lies. We are watching and reading trash more than the Word of God. We are having an affair. We are cursing more or gossiping. No compromise church.

When God spoke to me about No Compromise, I knew it was important to listen. I knew that I had to choose this day whom I was going to serve. Well, I choose to live for God. I choose to live my life in my home the same way I do in my life at church. I choose to be open and only tell the truth. I choose to refrain from doing things in secret simply because I would be judged if I did them in the open. I choose to honor God by only having healthy relationships. I choose no compromise. How about you?

Anti-religion

Clem Ferris recently spoke a word over my husband and me saying we were anti-religion. I laughed because it is so true. Religion hurts people. Relationship with God builds the body of Christ. He said we would “Blast down the walls of religion that tries to minimize people.” There are so many who need to be set free. Religion is sometimes a mere list of Thou Shalt Not versus what we should do for Christ. The Bible calls us to be doers of the word and not hearers only. If you are constantly told what you cannot do versus what you can do through his power and strength, it lends itself to pain, guilt, and anxiety. I know! I lived so many years convinced I was the worst of the worst because I kept hearing the list of don’ts, which made it difficult to work on the list of dos.

Religion will not save you. Religion will not hold! It is time for the church to be set free from religion and simply live their lives as Jesus would. I used to say I was a red letter Christian. Maybe there is now some level of truth to it. I do believe wholeheartedly that the Bible is written by the inspiration of God. Therefore, I use it as a guide for my life. But if we took Jesus’ words and pondered them and lived by them, I think we would see many of us are anti-religion. Think of all the don’ts when it comes to hanging around sinners. Jesus did it. He hung around prostitutes, tax collectors, and adulteresses. The grumblings of the Pharisees with their list of Thou Shalt Not didn’t stop him from doing it. He did it anyway.

This morning I was reading about the sinful woman who brought the alabaster box of perfume and wept at the feet of Jesus and dried his tear stained feet with her hair. She then kissed his feet and anointed them with the costly perfume. Jesus was ridiculed by the Pharisees for letting such a woman even touch him. There it is! Don’t let a sinful woman touch you. Jesus called them on their ridiculousness by asking, Did you do it for me? No, they did not. What I love is even in her sin, she knew what needed to be done. The supposed “righteous ones” didn’t do it. The sinner did. God came to save the sinner. Anti-religion says I will sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his words and bathe his feet with my tears because I know I have been forgiven much. Religion simply points out what is wrong with the woman, not recognizing the beauty of her heart.

Religion makes people quick to judge. Don’t have tattoos. Don’t dye your hair purple. Don’t pierce your body. Don’t play cards. Don’t dance. Don’t drink alcohol. Don’t hang around anyone who does any of the above.


The one “do” I know that takes care of every area of my life is this: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

I am happy to be party to blasting down the walls of religion. I was hurt by religion. My daughters have been hurt by religion. It is time to be built up by believers who have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Let’s stop the tearing down and build a strong foundation of relationship. One where Jesus is the cornerstone.